Monday, June 29, 2015

Drink This- Bastardette's Iced Coffee

Coffee is important, unless you're some kind of monster.

I need coffee the way a fantasy book protagonist needs a sidekick named "Sam."  Sure, I can last a day or two but so help me if I don't get it back soon, that third day will end like...a truly upsetting season finale. (See what I did there?) 

Coffee is funny stuff, though. Hot coffee is good, and iced coffee is great, but somehow tepid coffee tastes like DESPAIR IN A CUP. Getting a mouthful of room temperature sadness when you're expecting steamy hot ambrosia is worse than finding raisins in your chocolate chip cookie. So here's what you do with that depressing 1/4 cup of joe that you let go to room temperature because you were too absorbed reading SAGA or binge watching mildly embarrassing things on netflix (It was Buffy, wasn't it? It's ok, we've all been there).

See this? Make this.
They're coffee ice cubes. Yes, they do look unfortunate and no amount of natural light or photo editing will change that, BUT you keep these around so you can do three things:

1) Use up that last inch left in the coffee pot. You know, the stuff no one drinks because it's "meh."
2) Temperature control for when that first cup of caffeinated goodness needs to be in your system faster than a shot of adrenaline to Uma Thurman's chest. (Pulp Fiction is still relevant, yes?)
3) You make this with it
Might as well have a rainbow coming out of it.

OK Step 1) Fill up a frosty glass with your sad looking coffee cubes.

Add a glob of this stuff. You probably have some from that time you thought you'd make candy for a Christmas party, but brought vodka instead.

Shoo your dumb, but well meaning cat out of the way. A lot of people forget this step, but it's pretty important. 

Now put some other stuff in it. BOOM.
I usually just add milk, or more of that room temperature coffee I was sad about earlier.

I don't know why I even own raspberry extract, but hey I threw some in. It tasted like freedom.

Lazy iced coffee is great. Put cream and sugar in there. You deserve it because you thought about working out yesterday! Hell, pour a shot 'o booze in that puppy. I'm not your mom. Use up that soy milk you bought because someone convinced you that "clean eating" was real for about 2 seconds. Stir it up! Put it in your face! You'll be glad you did.

Or you can pay the sad teenager at the bookstore cafe to make one for you. I won't judge.

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